December 15, 2014

You could call me crazy, but I don't care. It's been a year since that fated day. 365 days had passed, and yet here I am still stuck with that same smile that one person gave me.

12:32 AM, according to Ate Anne(thank you, saludo ako sa documenting skills mo.), 

I still remember that kind of a drunken emotional phone call I did. I still do not understand what came over me that night, but one thing is for sure, it resulted to one heck of a year; full of tears, abundant with smiles, bursting with so much feelings, filling every part of my existence.

Blame the universe. Blame it all on the universe. It was not fair at all. That feeling of inexplicable force that kept on conspiring every little thing on you, may it be a little gesture or some grand thing that will just make you want to hit your head on a desk.

It was as if I have this some sort of a battle against the universe, trying to hold on to that one thing called - my sanity.

Over a month ago, I went to his homeland. And that one fated day(November 6, 2014), where our eyes met, left such a blissful and tearful memory for me. Never have I ever been this in a daze. Caught in such a trap where I don't whether I'll go batshit insane, or give up everything entirely. I was in tears. Lots, and lots, and lots of it. Above the clouds, feels as if I am living the dream. I never expected it to be this bittersweet. This beautiful kind of memory I'll be able to keep.

And that didn't stop there...

Earlier this month I was in Hong Kong for a family vacation. A vacation I expected to be a break from everything(meaning, there was accassible wifi - no updates - no Ate Anne to tease me with everything that goes on with him and life in general.). But that was where I'm wrong.

Going against the universe is not easy. It will make you pull your hair out because of pure agony. It will do things to you, put you in situations wherein it will make you drop down the floor,and ask the question "Why?".

Why? Why did they have to arrive early in Hong Kong at that time? Why on earth are they breathing the same air as me again? They were supposed to come to Hong Kong the time I depart from it...Why must the universe let it seem as if we had to meet? Why? Why am I like this? Why am I overthinking everything? Why am I even making it seem like there is something with this situation, where apparently there isn't "something" or"anything" at all.

My thoughts were hit with numerous things that could've been, places where we should've met. And I was left with a yearning heart, trying to stop itself from acting so rashly.

Right when everything was just unbelievably ridiculous. Brings us to what the universe had conspired just about a week ago, I had the privilege to watch their show here in Manila. Not only that, was able to be just inches close to each of them, given the opportunity to say whatever I wanted to say for a few seconds.

Honestly, it still feels so surreal. Given the amount of photos and videos taken, the fact that even our hi-touch moment was caught on camera. It was as if one my daydreams found a way for it to become a reality.

It's funny, how this one boy changed everything. From the moment I cried that one night to the other. To letting go of excess baggage, embracing new, and true people in my life. To knowing what is wrong from what is right. And sometimes even going beyond that line.

That one certain boy who doesn't even know I exist. That one person whom I think of each and every day, may it be a good or a bad one. That one person who gives me the butterflies, with anticipated breathlessness, and warmth - though short lived. With that little tiny hope in me that wants this kind of bliss to last. That this won't be something that will just pass me.

Drowning myself in the details of him, yet I'm still afraid of losing myself. But I guess, it's safer to be on the edge, where all I could see is the outline, where I could still feign my ignorance. I always told myself that this is not some kind of a falling sensation. But a careful act of climbing down slowly. digging deeper into something, harder. Making me not care enough to to think about it that much. Or maybe, I just don't want to.

Not to self: It will be okay. It is okay. Everything is okay.  Yes it could be scary at times. Never punish yourself, never over think. Be cautious, it's normal you silly. He might make you angry, confused, and upset at times. But never hold back completely, yet never lose yourself completely. It could be so goddamned frightening, yet he is the reason for that smile!

Happy 3.6.5!

P.S.

Wondering who this little poker faced wolf is? (who is heavily judging everything right now?), you'll get to meet him soon! :)