So much had happened, July. So much surreal things. Funny how things take a turn, huh? 

I’ve always been scared. Afraid of what is yet to come. The fact that I have no idea of what’s next frustrates me so much. I’m trying so hard to prepare myself, I swear I’m really trying. I don’t want to make mistakes. You know I hate that the most. And I’m mad at myself for being like this.

Remember our last meeting, July? Yes... that was a pretty shitty one, huh?

There is something about looking back on things that makes my heart both skip a beat, and feel a swift kick. I can’t help but be so all up about it. Looking back, I have met so many. I have lost so many. It’s a never ending process of being careless, naive, and well, occasional gloom. 

I guess... I should be patient with myself more. For I cannot just start out being able to do everything myself, right? Thinking about it, just because something is too much for me now, does not mean that it will always feel that way.

And recently, I’m more positive… surprisingly 'proactive'. And that should be a good thing, right July?

I’m not perfect, July. I make mistakes, but I try my hardest not to make one. But being uptight could also result to so many things. I process a lot of things with so much caution, you know. And yet, I feel like I have the tendency to put down people’s feelings, and perception of me, because I’m such a person.

And I get that, I’m shit at that. But can you blame me, July? I’m lost and confused about it myself. I’m just living life. I'M CLINGING TO MY LIFE. I’m eternally grateful to the few who understood. And sincerely apologetic to the ones I have hurt. For at times I do that, some people get it, some people just don’t. 

I have revised this letter for so many times, July. And I hope you don't mind that. It's been a while since I have written a letter.And that last one was somewhat hard to write, to be honest.

You know those times... when you feel out of breath. There are times when you feel so paranoid, and pretend to do other things so sloppily. And there are times when you just have no words to say. And look at this one person, in a room full of people, then immediately look away. Hoping that person won't notice. It’s childish and scary. 

But I feel like I’ve been feeling vulnerable, July. You know that I’m usually guarded, at ease and sure of things. I hate this. I truly hate this. You could say that I’m somewhat romanticizing things, and I hope just am. I really, truly hope that I am. Seriously. It’s not something that I’m used to. This is not those dramas that I watch, this is not those things I read about. It's somewhat happening to me in a sense, but I don't like it. No. You know what,  I sometimes want to be a rock instead. For rocks do not feel things. And at this point in time, I’m okay with that happening.  

Also, say hello to October for me! Tell him I love him!